The Hot Food Trap

Eating is hands down the greatest thing in the world. I honestly don’t think I am ever happier than when I am eating something delicious. But we cannot forget some of the terrible problems that eating can cause us. The feeling of extreme fullness, food stuck in your teeth, biting your tongue, food that tastes disgusting and choking to death are all major drawbacks to eating. Another somewhat less talked about negative related to eating is the “Hot Food Trap.”

Last night I made myself a wonderful dish of spaghetti and meatballs. I would normally microwave something, because when I’m really hungry I don’t like to sit around and wait, but on this night I decided to make something. If you are ever really hungry and you have to sit around waiting to eat you are setting yourself up for the “Hot Food Trap.”

When the spaghetti and meatballs was finally ready to eat I sat down ready to strike my food like a wild animal pouncing on his prey. Like any good predator I analyzed my prey to make sure I struck at the right time. I knew if I started eating it right away I would burn my mouth on the scalding hot meatballs, so I would have to wait. Unfortunately my hunger superseded my caution and I went after the first steaming meatball I could stab with my fork. I brought the meatball near my mouth and did a little precautionary light air blowing to cool down the meatball surface temperature, but as I would soon find out this wasn’t enough.

The moment the meatball entered my mouth I immediately knew I had fallen into the “Hot Food Trap.” The intense heat of the meatball was too much for me to bear. The burning meatball sat in my open mouth as I began exhaling in a futile attempt to relieve the pain. There was nothing I could do but scream, “ITS HAWT! ITS HAWT!” the whole time. I was trapped. My only option was to suffer through the pain until the meatball cooled down.

I’m not sure why I can never spit out food when it is too hot. Instead I always keep it in my mouth and endure the pain until the temperature goes down. Maybe my manners override basic instincts. Whatever the case is, it is important to avoid to “Hot Food Trap” all together. You can take proactive measures by cooking meals before you’re hungry, so you can have the patience to wait for the food to cool down before shoveling it into your mouth. Another way to avoid it is to look for signs and symptoms like steam rising from the food or other members of the table saying things like, “Wait for it to cool down,” or “This is really hot.” If these sign or symptoms occur put your fork down and wait for them to pass before eating.

The Fake Tough Cut

I think everyone, at least at some point, wants to be considered tough. Maybe it’s just one of those days where you want to look tough. Maybe you go through your whole life trying to be tough. Regardless, we all have experienced it at some point. There are plenty of ways to look tough on purpose. Your clothes, the way you act and what you say are all ways to look tough. There is also an accidental way to look tough. This accidental way is by getting an injury.

It doesn’t matter who you are, anyone walking around with a big cut, a huge Band-Aid, a cast or crutches looks somewhat tough. When I get an injury I see it as an opportunity to look like a tough guy. I remember when I was younger I hurt my finger playing basketball. When I had an x-ray done I prayed for a break so I could get a cast for my hand. If I jammed my finger, it would be wrapped excessively with medical tape so I could look like I led a second life as an underground street fighter. I’m really into this “injuries make you look tough” thing so anytime I get a “Fake Tough Cut” I’m heartbroken. 

Over the weekend I was at the gym playing basketball and I got elbowed in the mouth. I realized I was bleeding shortly after and I thought to myself, “You must look so tough right now.” Naturally I headed over to the bathroom to check out my new tough guy look. When I looked in the mirror I saw there was blood all over my mouth. I was thrilled.

Then reality set in. As I began cleaning the blood off my face I found the source of the “horrific” injury. It was a tiny little cut on my lip. My run as a tough guy was over. One moment I was the toughest kid on campus and the next I was just another guy with a tiny cut.

You have to be ready to spot a “Fake Tough Cut.” There is only one way to preserve your tough look when you get a cut. You have to avoid cleaning the blood off for as long as possible. When the blood is cleaned off, revealing a small pathetic cut, be sure to get the biggest Band-Aid you can find.

“The Fake Scan”

As humans we all have a tendency to want to watch, look and stare at other people when we are in a public setting. Unfortunately for us it is rude to stare at someone and extremely awkward if you make eye contact with anyone you are staring at. So to counteract this problem we have devised ways of being discrete when staring at people. This week I wanted to write about one of the most universal ways of discrete staring known as “The Fake Scan.”

Recently I was sitting in a McDonald’s restaurant (restaurants are the most common settings where a fake scan will occur). I was seated near the front of the store with my back turned towards the other customers. My friends had prime staring seats. They were sitting across from me facing the other customers.

As we ate one of my friends began describing a customer that was wearing a yellow raincoat and short cutoff jeans. I had to get a look at this person. Unfortunately for me my back was turned towards this individual. I had to use “The Fake Scan” method of discrete staring.

For a fake scan to work you must turn your head slowly around in order to see the person behind you that your friend has pointed out. As you are turning you must locate the person, get a quick stare in, and then continue turning your head to give the appearance that you are simply scanning the restaurant. It must look natural. Your stare has to appear nondiscriminatory. In other words, you should not look like you have chosen a target, but rather look like you are just looking at everyone behind you. Finally, be sure to avoid eye contact at all costs. DO NOT GET STARE GREEDY! A quick stare is all that a fake scan permits. An extended stare will lead to eye contact.

Unfortunately on this day I forgot the most important rule in utilizing the “Fake Scan.” As I slowly turned my head around to look for this yellow raincoat, cutoff jeans wearing man I inadvertently made eye contact with him. I had located my target, but my target was aware of my staring. I tried to finish the “Fake Scan” but it was too late. My cover was blown and I had committed the cardinal sin of staring.

The Weak Hand Dryer

I could probably find 30 things about public bathrooms that bother me. The faucets that only stay on for 2 seconds, the automatic paper towel dispensers that don’t register when you wave in front of it, and having to look under the stall to check if someone’s using it all bother me. However nothing is worse than the “Weak Hand Dryer.” I understand it is environmentally sound, but if I had to choose between saving a few trees and standing under a hand dryer for 10 minutes I would go cut the trees down myself.  

The other day I was using a public bathroom off campus and I had just finished washing my hands. I noticed the bathroom had a variety of hand drying options. I could use the paper towel dispenser or I could go with the hand dryer. I thought it was very considerate they provided both. Anyways I obviously chose the paper towel dispenser. Unfortunately so had the last 50 people and there were no more paper towels left. I continued to pull the lever in denial until I finally accepted the fact that it was empty. I was forced to use the backup option.

When you use the hand dryer you have to know the technique to drying your hands. First you have to flick the majority of the water off of your hands before putting them under the dryer. Then once the dryer has started you have to do a lot of hand turning and hand rubbing. Personally I think that I have perfect hand drying techniques, but this hand dryer was the most pathetic thing I had ever come across. It felt like a newborn baby was breathing on my hands. I probably could have stayed there for 5 minutes and my hands would have been just as wet as when I started.

As I attempted in vain to dry my hands I saw an innocent man heading over to wash his hands. I wanted to scream out over the obnoxious hand dryer and warn him not to wash his hands because the paper towel dispenser was empty and the hand dryer was useless, but it was too late. He turned on the faucet and the moment the water came pouring out for that ridiculously short amount of time I knew he had been condemned to the “Weak Hand Dryer.”

The Extended Door Hold

I could go on and on about the different types of etiquette which our society has accepted as the norm. Everything from saying “bless you” when someone sneezes to shaking hands when you meet someone fascinates me. Today however I am going to talk about holding the door for people. More specifically I am going to take a look at a recurring problem in my life. This problem is the “Extended Door Hold.”

Most recently I experienced this while entering the gym on my school’s campus. I was walking towards the gym and I could sense that there was a person behind me. I was trying to gauge the distance between me and this person by looking at their reflection in the window of the gym I was about to enter. It appeared to me that they were about 10 feet away. Or in other words, the maximum distance that a natural door hold can take place.

Well unfortunately my reflection based estimate was far off from the actual distance. When I opened the door and began to hold the door I glanced back and realized this person was at least 25 feet away. At this moment I realized I had two options. The first option was that I could shut the door after I had already shown intent to hold the door for them and risk looking like a jerk. The second option was that I could awkwardly stand there and wait for this person to walk all the way to the doorway and in turn become a part of a record setting extended door hold.

An extended door hold is not good for anyone involved. The person holding the door feels like they are being excessively and unnecessarily nice in a strange way. The person walking towards the door feels an obligation to pick up their pace as to not make the door holder wait for them. Both participants in this situation do not enjoy the experience.

I figure it is important to let you know that I chose option two, the extended door hold. I stood there holding the door while this person performed a fake jog in an attempt to show some hustle. This jog was identical to the ones that some people will do when they are walking across a crosswalk and trying to show the driver of the waiting car that they are trying to hurry up. Anyways this person finally got to the doorway and I relinquished my hold at last. Unfortunately I misjudged the speed of the door closure and I performed what is known as a “halfway door hold.” This is when you are attempting to hold the door for someone and you end up letting go too soon causing the door to close on them, nullifying all the effort you put into holding the door for them in the first place.

The Anticlimactic Story

I find some of the most entertaining moments of my life are spent sitting on the couch having a great conversation with someone. The majority of my conversations consist of three different things. Either they will be conversations reminiscing about past experiences, talking about someone behind their back (good or bad), or telling a story about something which happened recently. The third type brings me to this week’s problem “The Anticlimactic Story.”

Recently I was telling a story to one of my friends about one of my encounters with a customer at work that day. Let me take a second here to explain what the actual story was. I was cashiering at work and someone was curious as to how much it was for bananas. After I told them the bananas cost 1 dollar. The customer responded by telling me they should be 50 cents because they were going bad. I responded by saying, “Then don’t buy them.” That was it. That is the story I decided to tell my friend. I know, very uninteresting. When it happened to me I thought it was hilarious, but as I worked my way through the story I felt my friend’s anticipation building waiting for the one interesting part to arrive. That is when I realized there was no interesting part. This story was leading to nowhere. If I told it like it was my friend would ask, “And then what happened?” I would respond with, “That’s it.”

I needed to improvise. I needed to make something up that would make my story interesting and change the “and then what happened?” to a “that’s crazy!” So I did a little rewriting. The story I told my friend ended with the customer throwing a banana at me and knocking over a stand of chips out of frustration. That was all it needed. My friend got the exciting ending he was looking for and I saved myself from telling an anticlimactic story.

I saved myself that time, but sometimes I refuse to believe that I am telling an anticlimactic story and I don’t include the alternate ending. I am invariably met with the, “And then what happened?” That is why we all need to protect ourselves against anticlimactic stories. If you start telling a story and immediately start questioning why you are telling that story think of a more exciting ending as soon as possible. Don’t go too crazy or they won’t believe you. It just needs the right amount of interesting to make it work.

Next week I will look at another one of the world’s most annoying problems “The Extended Door Hold.”

The Unfair Pizza Slice

I’m sure anytime you imagine yourself eating pizza you are flooded with positive emotions. That’s normal, pizza is a positive thing. I typically use it as my answer to the played out “what’s your favorite food” question. However, there is something very negative surrounding pizza consumption. I’m talking about the “unfair pizza slice.”

This problem typically emerges when I am getting pizza at a cafeteria or food court. I can remember a specific instance from high school in which I was going through the lunch line. I walked up to the counter where you inform the lunch lady or lunch man as to what you want to eat. This day they were serving pepperoni pizza and cheese pizza. My heart told me to get pepperoni, but as I looked over the slices I noticed an extremely small slice located directly in front of the lunch ladies’ spatula. I was forced to survey the cheese pizza.

After examining the cheese pizza I saw a slice which looked like it had been raised near a nuclear waste dump causing it to develop large pizza tumors. Right next to that slice was another slice which was exposing far too much sauce. If I were to choose pepperoni I would run the risk of being stuck with the small slice, but there was also a chance I could hit the pizza slice jackpot. If I chose cheese I could be given the tumor ridden pizza or the cheese deprived slice. I played the percentages and chose the pepperoni pizza. Apparently the lunch lady hated me, because without hesitation she handed me the “unfair pizza slice.” I sat down dejected at my lunch table followed by my friend who had just hit the pizza slice jackpot. His slice was twice the size of mine and touted four pepperonis in comparison to my measly one.

I often imagine a world where every slice of pizza is equal. A world where pizzas are symmetrical and pizza men are better at division. In the meantime I will try to improve my relationships with lunch ladies in the hopes that they will give me preferential pizza slice treatment.

Next week I will take a look at another one of the world’s most annoying problems “The Anticlimactic Story.”